Why It’s Okay to Feel Okay

A man stands amid a sunset

I have been on hiatus taking care of many things going wrong this year. My mother slipped at a fast food restaurant, broke her neck, and passed away. I had to sell her house because I couldn’t afford the mortgage, and other members of my family were dealing with critical health issues.

While I have been fighting depression, I’ve been able to keep my head on straight.

At first, I felt guilty about it because my mother died. She had been putting me up my entire life as I fought to be useful to society. I have schizoaffective disorder on top of heavy ADHD, so I tried many things and failed. When I went to school for Digital Communication Arts, I started getting 4.0’s and it looked like if we just held on a little longer I could get a job.

Then the accident happened and she never lived to see me become a functioning adult even though I was making great progress.

Looking back, I have discovered getting stuff done is also a coping mechanism of sorts. While my mother loved me dearly, she had faith only recently that I could be an adult at 42. I felt that to have her rest with Christ peacefully, I had to learn how to adult and get everything done right. Now that I have taken over the bills, I’ve never been more focused in my life.

Peace in the Face of Crisis

This kind of peace is Biblical. Many passages talk about the peace of Christ. Without the Holy Spirit, I would have been a stammering mess in the psych ward. While I haven’t been 100% okay, other people in my situation would not be thinking straight. This has felt alien.

Another reason for my peace was knowing my mom suffered a lot in her life and my mental illness didn’t help her any. My husband took her death far harder than I did. All I could remember were the days she would curl up in her recliner and start crying because she was afraid of losing her job. In that recliner, she shed a lot of tears of depression and anxiety and I was helpless to help her other than listen to her rant. She lost enjoyment of life, quit all of her theater, and went out to eat alone because it was all she could bear.

It was not a good thing that she died, but knowing she’s with Jesus now? I miss her, but I am so calm and okay that she’s free of all that toxic nonsense.

Grief is brutal, but not getting deep into it and even feeling peace about it is an alien feeling.

It’s not a bad one, though.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11: 28-30 (NIV)

It’s Okay to Have Peace

Don’t let your nagging brain tell you feeling relief during tragedy is bad. Everyone processes things differently, and if you have had a sick loved one, sometimes that grief brings a unique serenity. It would likely be that if your loved one were still around, they would prefer you wouldn’t be devastated, so embrace the relief even if there is a tinge of guilt. It is normal.

It’s okay to feel that way even if it’s not a sickness and they were less than kind to you.

It is, however, over the top to celebrate the death of someone toxic. In my own experience, I found it very sobering. You tend to be glad they can’t hurt anyone anymore, but I have found celebrating the death only triggers unforgiveness. It poisons you. Relief, however, is a natural response to unnatural things occurring in your life. If you can, send a prayer to the ones who would be hurt the most from their death and try to move on – even if it was a close family member that other people admired.

Losing someone is rough, even in the face of feeling peace. Don’t let anyone else tell you differently.

When tragedy strikes, it is often best to count the daily victories. Maybe you didn’t break down and you could pay that bill today. If you have to break, please break. Holding it in too long is also toxic. Don’t think it’s wrong if you have a clear head about it all.

Just praise God.

Morgue

An eccentric adventurer and writer, Sarah has done everything from American Idol to Professional Wrestling. Having been a gamer all of her life, she has a lot to say about the subject and hopes to give her knowledge to others.

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